My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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