Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
