Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize