My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
