Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
