Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
