I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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