My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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