I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
