Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
