Umm I'm too high to move.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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