i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
