So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need a beard to bite.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
