Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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