i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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