If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
