we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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