my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
