i can't believe i had my finger in that
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize