Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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