i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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