everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
