I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
