Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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