Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
