i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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