So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
