do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
