omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize