LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
