In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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