I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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