How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
