I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
