my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
