He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
