My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
