Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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