I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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