my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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