I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
