I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
