Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
