i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
