I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
