Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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