oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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