i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
