dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
