hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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