Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she looked like the before picture.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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