Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
