It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
