Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
