We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
