Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize