i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
