Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize