A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
