I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
