im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
