it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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