Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
